More people are into casual dating (or sex hook-ups) these days than ever before; possibly in part because of all the different dating sites we can choose from online. This culture of hooking up with partners just for fun or just for a few brief moments of companionship is now more prevalent than ever before, and people seem to be loving the convenience of it all. You can go online, click a photo, send a message, and in almost no time you can be having a good time. If you’re using the right site there is no reason why you can’t be successful at it. That being said it is important to make sure you and your prospective partner set some sort of rules to make sure everything goes smoothly.
Why Set Rules?
It feels like it should be a straight forward deal: you arrange to meet up, you have a drink or two, and then if all goes well you take the party somewhere else…. However, the reality is that we all have different preferences, especially when it comes to sex. What one person enjoys doing is another one’s pet peeve, so it is important that the two of you communicate with each other before hand, just so you know you’re both going to be satisfied.
I know you might be thinking, “I just want sex, I don’t want a long chat“ but communication is at the centre of all the good things. Because without saying the most basic things first; a casual encounter can go from amazing to absolute disaster really fast. We’ve all had that experience where we’ve picked up someone in a bar, and taken them home, only to be left unsatisfied, and reaching for our vibrator while they snore next to us (or after we’ve kicked them out).
When do you talk about those ‘rules’?
Rules, plans, guidelines… all those things fall into the same category when meeting someone for casual sex. And they need to be discussed. There are two ways to go about it, and which you choose probably depends on your personality and how fast you are arranging the hook-up.
The first is a “natural” approach, for some people it can seem a bit awkward to be chatting someone up, only to break the conversation and say: ‘’Okay, if we have sex I want this but I don’t want that…’’ You’ve not even met them, and you’re already ordering them around, and telling them what to do. A good way around this is to try and make it so it is more about getting to know each other a little better. Instead of making it sound like you’re establishing rules (not that there is anything wrong with that), you could talk about what you like and don’t like to do in bed. Then you can ask your prospective partner what they think, and what they like to do. Make it part of a natural conversation rather than just being demanding; it could encourage natural communication and the two of you will be better off for it.
The other way to do it is to just be totally straight up about it, that might go something like, ’Hypothetically if we take this further, how would we go about it?”. It’s basically that awkward conversation you need to have before you get started. So many people assume with casual dating it’s just going to be a case of meeting – having a drink – running to the nearest available hotel room (apartment, etc) – getting down to it – then both going away satisfied . However you can’t take that for granted, especially if you’re new to the whole concept of casual dating. So have the conversation, leave no stones unturned, talk about the general aspects and the details. Start with ‘where’, go to ‘what’, then move on to ‘how’.
- Where: where will you go if you’re going to have sex? A hotel room? Which hotel? How much can you both afford to spend in a hotel room? Are there other alternatives? The bottom line is that locations cost money but at the same time you might want to be in a room where the two of you stand on equal grounds (i.e. not your house or their house).
- What: what will you do in bed? Will you sit down, talk dirty and get each other excited? Will it be full sex or just playful touch? Is penetration a necessity or something you don’t want? Will it be gentle or rough? What should be done and not be done? A lot of questions but it is worth talking about. That way neither of you are ‘signing up’ without knowing what the encounter will actually entail.
- How: Who pays for the hotel room. How do you transport yourself there, maybe a taxi? Who brings the condoms (does anyone have a latex allergy?), what else do you need to bring to make the encounter more comfortable and more fun? How many gadgets, toys and lubricants of sorts should you bring? Should you establish some sort of safe word in case things get too rough for either one of you? What about discretion? Do you both want to keep your escapade(s) as a secret? If so how do you go about that? Basically, it’s all in the details…
It is also really important to have an out. A phrase (word, sentence, SOMETHING) that either of you can use, if you want things to stop immediately, and be able to walk away no questions asked.
There is no way a short article could cover all the details involved in the logistics of adult dating and hooking up but I am hoping this gave you something to think about. The baseline principle of communication and setting rules shouldn’t be too difficult to get your head around. Sure you’ll be feeling a little (a lot) excited when you’re going through the process of meeting a potential naughty partner but preparing as much of it as possible in advance will give you a chance to really make the most of that encounter.
As they say: ‘failing to prepare is preparing to fail’; and no one wants to fail at something that is fun and feels so good when it’s done right.
You can read other advice articles we’ve written here: http://blog.thatsthespot.co.uk/category/advice